It has been too long since I posted here, but now I must report a heart filled with gratitude for the teachers, healers, allies, and friends in my life.

I am in a good place emotionally, energetically, and looking forward to settling into the new home my brother purchased this summer.

Tags: mood
Current Location: new home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: That 70's Show

I feel like I have nothing to say.  What I have been going through the last few months has left me mute.  Most times I can't even answer the phone or check my email.

Why am I so afraid that other people will be disappointed in me? ... and that will cause them to withdraw?  Why do I feel I have an image to protect in the metaphysical community that everything is ok with me.... when it clearly isn't?

And most importantly, how can I ever change what's been happening in my life?

I feel like a rat in a maze and every move I have made in the last few months causes me to touch a wall and receive an electric shock, so now I am huddled in the center of the maze terrified to move.  I know I have had that image before, and I'm pretty sure I've shared it with my naturopath and perhaps she gave me a remedy for it, but I can't remember what it was now.

But mostly, I wish I had something that I *wanted* to do SO much that it would drive me and make me want to be on the planet.

A month ago, the realization that I was ambivalent about  being on the planet liberated me.  I have always been ambivalent and it explained so much.  I could see how my behaviour was being influenced by this ambivalence and could make different choices.  And then a week went by, I got dizzy and took to my bed for several days, and suddenly I was more sure than ever that my time here was complete.  Another week went by where I couldn't talk to anyone about this... and then I realized that Eric's vacation to Reno would be ruined if I made the choice to leave, so here I am.

Most days I am paralyzed with overwhelming anxiety, so that I do all that I can to avoid those feelings.... and that means sleep.  I've neglected: paying the bills, responding to my emails, doing the dishes, laundry and other housework, marketing the circles I am hosting at Hummingbird, personal hygiene, clutter management, and everything else I can think of.  Not to mention doing anything to increase my physical health.

I just am hanging on by my fingernails, trying not to feel the wave of anxiety.  And the hot flashes that I get daily don't help either.

AND I HATE that I am complaining... that I can't think of anything to be grateful for, or feel joyous about, or excited and eager about.......

ugh

Tags: mood
Current Location: home
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: just the hum of the computer

I've been nudged by a friend to update my LiveJournal.  So here goes -

Somehow, I am being invited to take part of a lot of different social activities.

Suddenly, I am busy every day - and have plenty of attention from plenty of people.

Too bad I have to stay focused on doing the housework - since my landlord is now dedicated to refurbishing the building and every week there is another contractor needing to come in and take measurements.

My brother and I had been thinking of moving in the spring anyway, but now we've decided to start looking for a new home as soon as we can.   I DON'T want to move in the winter.  Muuuuu.

And I have made the questionable decision to return to the Women of Wisdom Event Planning Committee and help this year's conference (February 12th to 16th see: www.womenofwisdom.org ) get launched.

Why do I keep adding things to my schedule?

Tags: mood
Current Location: home
Current Mood: rushed
Current Music: Gilmore Girls

I posted anything and one of my mutual friends noticed and sent me an invitation to update my journal.

The actual classes I've been teaching these past weeks have been going well. But all the other stuff surrounding teaching - the responsibility, the marketing, the outreach, the "putting oneself out there" have been hard for me.

Let's see... what else has been happening... oh, yeah, I stubbed my baby toe on my left foot about a week and a half ago and it WAS getting better and then I rolled off the couch last Sunday with my full weight on the toe and it bent backwards.  I was with P that afternoon and he insisted that I go to the hospital to have it looked at... 2 1/2 hours and 3 x-rays later it was discovered that there were no bones broken that it had just been sprained.

I've been (excuse the pun) babying it ever since.

This injury has impeded my progress on getting some exercise every day.

Today I will try and get out for a walk again.

Tags: mood
Current Location: home
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Home Improvement

 It didn't take me long.  Just talking with a few people and it was clear that it was time that I start teaching Shamanic Journeying techniques to newbies and offer a place for experienced journeyers to expand their dance with Spirit.

V has graciously offered to be my assistant and I will be teaching Tuesday evenings from 7-10 starting September 9th.  I am offering people the option to sign up for a six-week series at a reduced rate of $120 paid in advance, or pay $25 per class as you go.

I will need to jump over the Tuesday nights that C has the office space, but so far that works out perfectly.

The dates - Series 1 - Sept. 9th, 16th, 23rd & Oct. 7th, 14th, 21st
                      Series 2 - Nov 4th, 11th, 18th & Dec 2nd, 9th, 16th

These dates will be skipping over Samhain (Halloween to those unfamiliar), Thanksgiving, and end early enough to avoid the Winter Solstice/Christmas/Hanukkah/New Year's holidays...

Depending on how it goes I may offer the same kind of series in the winter and spring.  Maybe take summer off?

I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself.

Now, what should I do on September 2nd and December 23? - those are dates that I have the space in the evening and don't have classes for....

Tags: practice
Current Location: home
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: water fountain

It was an interesting meeting yesterday with the three of us.  With the final decision that sharing space was not going to meet J's needs, she has pulled out of the process all together and will be looking for office space on her own, since she plans on needing space twice a month instead of just the one day and I felt I just could not give her that much time.

Now, again, feeling tricked to take this step by my spirit guides I now have office space:
from midnight to 4:30 once per month (new moon for C)
from midnight to midnight two to three times per month (depending on how many Tuesdays there are)
and from midnight to 4:30 and 6:00 to midnight once per month (full moon)

What do I want to do with this time?  The possibilities seem endless:
should I offer a women's only full moon circle?
a small timbre drumming circle?
a support group for Alchemical Healing practitioners?
a peer-led group for people who have been through Sheila's program that allow leadership opportunities?
teach shamanic journeying?
a mixed group Spirit Circle?
that includes shamanic journeying and divination decks?
or one that just focuses on drumming and learning healing songs?

then, how do I find people who want to come to these circles/classes?

I can now see that I can make more money by having more time at night available. 

I might even want to reserve some nights for clients

Decisions, decisions....

Tags: practice
Current Location: home
Current Mood: ditzy
Current Music: noises outside

 Today I woke up and realized that everything is going to work out for the best.  That although my ego self had certain ideas about how renting the office space for my practice was going to work by sharing it with others, my Spirit Guides had everything under control.

I *thought* that I wanted to have office space where I could go every week - even if I only had the mornings there, sharing the afternoon with my partner - now I see that HAVING to go to the office week after week after week would drive me crazy.

I hated that in the corporate world.  The monotonous-ness of it all.  With the office unavailable one week out of four, it gives me a three "on", one "off" schedule - A schedule similar to how I worked in the corporate world since my moontime usually kept me home a few days every month.

The ebbing and flowing of the tide will make it more likely that I will get things done the weeks I do have the office, since I can't always procrastinate to the following week.

It was hard to be patient with myself as I worked through this process.  Sometimes, I just wanted to give in and let others have what they wanted.  Sometimes, I just wanted to cut and run.  My counselor is the one that suggested I try a middle path and see if I could still get what I'm looking for from the situation.  He also suggested that I give myself permission to leave the situation if it doesn't meet my needs.

Now, only time will tell if this situation will work out for the best.  But I'm willing to give it a shot and see.

BTW, Mercury (the Trickster) was Retrograde when I had my first discussion with Cecyl about this possibility.  I have been getting from my spirit guides that I needed to be "tricked" into taking this big step.  And so it is.

Tags: practice
Current Location: home
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: constructions noises outside

 After my massage today, I had an opportunity to hook up with D and perhaps go for a walk.

Instead I spent 5 hours on the computer, having instant message conversations, updating my Yahoo and MySpace profiles, updating P's Yahoo calendar with the Seahawks games for the 2008 season, writing a note to my nephew through MySpace, researching some LiveJournals, and other oddments on the computer.

D and I never really decided on a time/place to meet, just kept chatting until it was too dark to see.  The fact that he was home in Federal Way and I was home at Northgate... a long drive... and he has no car... and I was just mellowing out being on the computer.

I guess it wasn't a bad way to spend the end of the day.  I never did get to Ecstatic Dance or Nude Yoga this morning... Maybe it's time to get up and stretch some more.

I did have a wonderful massage (thank you, V!) and a wonderful IM conversation with her later.

Tags: mood
Current Location: home
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Design Star

 It's amazing how much time can pass by and I ignore this format for capturing my thoughts.

Yesterday was a good day despite the fact that it started out with me oversleeping and missing my opportunity to spend time with Raven at the spa... Oh, I still went to the spa, but she was dressed and ready to leave by the time I got there.

I had a second date planned at 4 p.m. with D.  And it went very well and we used the model that P and I developed on our trip - instead of trying to come to consensus or compromise about what to do - we take turns on deciding what both of us will do next.

This gives me some of the control I need, but also exposes me to things I wouldn't ordinarily think of doing - like going to a karaoke bar in Federal Way.  I didn't sing, D did, but I thought about how much I want to sing blues-y types songs in front of an audience and my dreams were filled with those images.

Perhaps, next time I will be willing to try to sing at this venue - it's not like I never sang karaoke before, I have - usually duets with my brother, but I have a lower register than most songs and when I sing a capella I automatically sing in the key that works for me.  I have no idea to translate that into changing the key on the karaoke machine. (sigh).

Today, an afternoon and evening spent with P - catching up on the tv shows we missed while in Canada and going through receipts.

Tomorrow there is a possibility of a massage in my future....

Tags: mood
Current Location: home
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: the hum of the computer

Got back early this morning from a week in Oregon with P.  Wish I could write more - would love to document the details today, but I came home to a sick computer and only have limited access to a friend's.  Be back when I have technology again...

Tags: mood
Current Location: Paul's
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Discovery Channel