I feel like I have nothing to say.  What I have been going through the last few months has left me mute.  Most times I can't even answer the phone or check my email.

Why am I so afraid that other people will be disappointed in me? ... and that will cause them to withdraw?  Why do I feel I have an image to protect in the metaphysical community that everything is ok with me.... when it clearly isn't?

And most importantly, how can I ever change what's been happening in my life?

I feel like a rat in a maze and every move I have made in the last few months causes me to touch a wall and receive an electric shock, so now I am huddled in the center of the maze terrified to move.  I know I have had that image before, and I'm pretty sure I've shared it with my naturopath and perhaps she gave me a remedy for it, but I can't remember what it was now.

But mostly, I wish I had something that I *wanted* to do SO much that it would drive me and make me want to be on the planet.

A month ago, the realization that I was ambivalent about  being on the planet liberated me.  I have always been ambivalent and it explained so much.  I could see how my behaviour was being influenced by this ambivalence and could make different choices.  And then a week went by, I got dizzy and took to my bed for several days, and suddenly I was more sure than ever that my time here was complete.  Another week went by where I couldn't talk to anyone about this... and then I realized that Eric's vacation to Reno would be ruined if I made the choice to leave, so here I am.

Most days I am paralyzed with overwhelming anxiety, so that I do all that I can to avoid those feelings.... and that means sleep.  I've neglected: paying the bills, responding to my emails, doing the dishes, laundry and other housework, marketing the circles I am hosting at Hummingbird, personal hygiene, clutter management, and everything else I can think of.  Not to mention doing anything to increase my physical health.

I just am hanging on by my fingernails, trying not to feel the wave of anxiety.  And the hot flashes that I get daily don't help either.

AND I HATE that I am complaining... that I can't think of anything to be grateful for, or feel joyous about, or excited and eager about.......

ugh

Tags: mood
Current Location: home
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: just the hum of the computer