Meanderings of a Disorganized Mind

Gratitude

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 07:19:55 GMT

It has been too long since I posted here, but now I must report a heart filled with gratitude for the teachers, healers, allies, and friends in my life.

I am in a good place emotionally, energetically, and looking forward to settling into the new home my brother purchased this summer.

I wish I could be clever, here, but...

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 23:10:18 GMT

I feel like I have nothing to say. What I have been going through the last few months has left me mute. Most times I can't even answer the phone or check my email.

Why am I so afraid that other people will be disappointed in me? ... and that will cause them to withdraw? Why do I feel I have an image to protect in the metaphysical community that everything is ok with me.... when it clearly isn't?

And most importantly, how can I ever change what's been happening in my life?

I feel like a rat in a maze and every move I have made in the last few months causes me to touch a wall and receive an electric shock, so now I am huddled in the center of the maze terrified to move. I know I have had that image before, and I'm pretty sure I've shared it with my naturopath and perhaps she gave me a remedy for it, but I can't remember what it was now.

But mostly, I wish I had something that I *wanted* to do SO much that it would drive me and make me want to be on the planet.

A month ago, the realization that I was ambivalent about being on the planet liberated me. I have always been ambivalent and it explained so much. I could see how my behaviour was being influenced by this ambivalence and could make different choices. And then a week went by, I got dizzy and took to my bed for several days, and suddenly I was more sure than ever that my time here was complete. Another week went by where I couldn't talk to anyone about this... and then I realized that Eric's vacation to Reno would be ruined if I made the choice to leave, so here I am.

Most days I am paralyzed with overwhelming anxiety, so that I do all that I can to avoid those feelings.... and that means sleep. I've neglected: paying the bills, responding to my emails, doing the dishes, laundry and other housework, marketing the circles I am hosting at Hummingbird, personal hygiene, clutter management, and everything else I can think of. Not to mention doing anything to increase my physical health.

I just am hanging on by my fingernails, trying not to feel the wave of anxiety. And the hot flashes that I get daily don't help either.

AND I HATE that I am complaining... that I can't think of anything to be grateful for, or feel joyous about, or excited and eager about.......

ugh

How things get busy

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:48:20 GMT

I've been nudged by a friend to update my LiveJournal. So here goes -

Somehow, I am being invited to take part of a lot of different social activities.

Suddenly, I am busy every day - and have plenty of attention from plenty of people.

Too bad I have to stay focused on doing the housework - since my landlord is now dedicated to refurbishing the building and every week there is another contractor needing to come in and take measurements.

My brother and I had been thinking of moving in the spring anyway, but now we've decided to start looking for a new home as soon as we can. I DON'T want to move in the winter. Muuuuu.

And I have made the questionable decision to return to the Women of Wisdom Event Planning Committee and help this year's conference (February 12th to 16th see: www.womenofwisdom.org ) get launched.

Why do I keep adding things to my schedule?

It's been 14 weeks since....

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:18:48 GMT

I posted anything and one of my mutual friends noticed and sent me an invitation to update my journal.

The actual classes I've been teaching these past weeks have been going well. But all the other stuff surrounding teaching - the responsibility, the marketing, the outreach, the "putting oneself out there" have been hard for me.

Let's see... what else has been happening... oh, yeah, I stubbed my baby toe on my left foot about a week and a half ago and it WAS getting better and then I rolled off the couch last Sunday with my full weight on the toe and it bent backwards. I was with P that afternoon and he insisted that I go to the hospital to have it looked at... 2 1/2 hours and 3 x-rays later it was discovered that there were no bones broken that it had just been sprained.

I've been (excuse the pun) babying it ever since.

This injury has impeded my progress on getting some exercise every day.

Today I will try and get out for a walk again.

Future Plans - renting office space

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 16:31:07 GMT

It didn't take me long. Just talking with a few people and it was clear that it was time that I start teaching Shamanic Journeying techniques to newbies and offer a place for experienced journeyers to expand their dance with Spirit.

V has graciously offered to be my assistant and I will be teaching Tuesday evenings from 7-10 starting September 9th. I am offering people the option to sign up for a six-week series at a reduced rate of $120 paid in advance, or pay $25 per class as you go.

I will need to jump over the Tuesday nights that C has the office space, but so far that works out perfectly.

The dates - Series 1 - Sept. 9th, 16th, 23rd & Oct. 7th, 14th, 21st
Series 2 - Nov 4th, 11th, 18th & Dec 2nd, 9th, 16th

These dates will be skipping over Samhain (Halloween to those unfamiliar), Thanksgiving, and end early enough to avoid the Winter Solstice/Christmas/Hanukkah/New Year's holidays...

Depending on how it goes I may offer the same kind of series in the winter and spring. Maybe take summer off?

I guess I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself.

Now, what should I do on September 2nd and December 23? - those are dates that I have the space in the evening and don't have classes for....

Renting Office Space - Communally, Part 2

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:40:32 GMT

It was an interesting meeting yesterday with the three of us. With the final decision that sharing space was not going to meet J's needs, she has pulled out of the process all together and will be looking for office space on her own, since she plans on needing space twice a month instead of just the one day and I felt I just could not give her that much time.

Now, again, feeling tricked to take this step by my spirit guides I now have office space:
from midnight to 4:30 once per month (new moon for C)
from midnight to midnight two to three times per month (depending on how many Tuesdays there are)
and from midnight to 4:30 and 6:00 to midnight once per month (full moon)

What do I want to do with this time? The possibilities seem endless:
should I offer a women's only full moon circle?
a small timbre drumming circle?
a support group for Alchemical Healing practitioners?
a peer-led group for people who have been through Sheila's program that allow leadership opportunities?
teach shamanic journeying?
a mixed group Spirit Circle?
that includes shamanic journeying and divination decks?
or one that just focuses on drumming and learning healing songs?

then, how do I find people who want to come to these circles/classes?

I can now see that I can make more money by having more time at night available.

I might even want to reserve some nights for clients

Decisions, decisions....

Renting Office Space - Communally

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:27:14 GMT

Today I woke up and realized that everything is going to work out for the best. That although my ego self had certain ideas about how renting the office space for my practice was going to work by sharing it with others, my Spirit Guides had everything under control.

I *thought* that I wanted to have office space where I could go every week - even if I only had the mornings there, sharing the afternoon with my partner - now I see that HAVING to go to the office week after week after week would drive me crazy.

I hated that in the corporate world. The monotonous-ness of it all. With the office unavailable one week out of four, it gives me a three "on", one "off" schedule - A schedule similar to how I worked in the corporate world since my moontime usually kept me home a few days every month.

The ebbing and flowing of the tide will make it more likely that I will get things done the weeks I do have the office, since I can't always procrastinate to the following week.

It was hard to be patient with myself as I worked through this process. Sometimes, I just wanted to give in and let others have what they wanted. Sometimes, I just wanted to cut and run. My counselor is the one that suggested I try a middle path and see if I could still get what I'm looking for from the situation. He also suggested that I give myself permission to leave the situation if it doesn't meet my needs.

Now, only time will tell if this situation will work out for the best. But I'm willing to give it a shot and see.

BTW, Mercury (the Trickster) was Retrograde when I had my first discussion with Cecyl about this possibility. I have been getting from my spirit guides that I needed to be "tricked" into taking this big step. And so it is.

hmmm.... computers take up a lot of time

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:42:46 GMT

After my massage today, I had an opportunity to hook up with D and perhaps go for a walk.

Instead I spent 5 hours on the computer, having instant message conversations, updating my Yahoo and MySpace profiles, updating P's Yahoo calendar with the Seahawks games for the 2008 season, writing a note to my nephew through MySpace, researching some LiveJournals, and other oddments on the computer.

D and I never really decided on a time/place to meet, just kept chatting until it was too dark to see. The fact that he was home in Federal Way and I was home at Northgate... a long drive... and he has no car... and I was just mellowing out being on the computer.

I guess it wasn't a bad way to spend the end of the day. I never did get to Ecstatic Dance or Nude Yoga this morning... Maybe it's time to get up and stretch some more.

I did have a wonderful massage (thank you, V!) and a wonderful IM conversation with her later.

are things looking up?

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 18:21:36 GMT

It's amazing how much time can pass by and I ignore this format for capturing my thoughts.

Yesterday was a good day despite the fact that it started out with me oversleeping and missing my opportunity to spend time with Raven at the spa... Oh, I still went to the spa, but she was dressed and ready to leave by the time I got there.

I had a second date planned at 4 p.m. with D. And it went very well and we used the model that P and I developed on our trip - instead of trying to come to consensus or compromise about what to do - we take turns on deciding what both of us will do next.

This gives me some of the control I need, but also exposes me to things I wouldn't ordinarily think of doing - like going to a karaoke bar in Federal Way. I didn't sing, D did, but I thought about how much I want to sing blues-y types songs in front of an audience and my dreams were filled with those images.

Perhaps, next time I will be willing to try to sing at this venue - it's not like I never sang karaoke before, I have - usually duets with my brother, but I have a lower register than most songs and when I sing a capella I automatically sing in the key that works for me. I have no idea to translate that into changing the key on the karaoke machine. (sigh).

Today, an afternoon and evening spent with P - catching up on the tv shows we missed while in Canada and going through receipts.

Tomorrow there is a possibility of a massage in my future....

Trip to Oregon

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 05:56:50 GMT

Got back early this morning from a week in Oregon with P. Wish I could write more - would love to document the details today, but I came home to a sick computer and only have limited access to a friend's. Be back when I have technology again...

Choices

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 06:28:21 GMT

Today I had my last appointment with physical therapy and the PT specialist cleared me to go dancing --- no Lindy Hop and none of the moves used on Dancing With the Stars, he joked, but I could Contra Dance.

So, I decided to keep my date with my former sweetie to go dancing tonight, but we didn't stay until the end. I did 1 1/2 dances and I'd pushed my body as far as I should have. I watched the rest of the dancers for a while and tried to read my book, but I was very tired from all my activity today and my dancing partner and I had a chat and agreed to leave at the break.

By the time I was getting gas on the way home, I was having symptoms indicative of a migraine - I don't get a lot of pain, but I get VERY sensitive to light and sound AND I usually have problems that interfere with my vision - weird shapes pulsing in and out. I used to get migraines back when I was working at Boeing, but I haven't had any since I delviered pizza for Godfather's back in 1993 and my wonderful naturopath gave me Tarentula to clear them up.

I thought I still had a little of the Tarentula in my great homeopathic pharmacopeia, but alas I could not find it. However, I did come across a remedy for dropping the "shoulds" which I've been thinking of taking ever since I spoke with my counselor this week, so I took it - and Voila - the visual interruptions disappeared.

I realized today that if I postponed all my playtimes between now and Tuesday so I can clean, I would just stay home and be angry and STILL not clean because I wasn't happy. So I'm shortening the time I'm spending on my play dates and I'm choosing to look at the apartment and cleaning the thing that grosses me out the most - figuring that whatever that is it would bother me the most for someone else to see.

Using this logic I got the kitchen floor washed, and most of the cabinets, drawers, walls, and appliances from the counter down to the floor wiped clean.

I'm also trying to accept myself and the fact that I live the way I do and not feel judged about what I think OTHER people may be thinking....

Should I bother cleaning?

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 05:13:06 GMT

Today the landlord came by to tell me that the building is being sold and that a realtor will be doing a walk-through in our unit next Tuesday afternoon.

I have almost two years of clutter etc (from not bothering to clean up since I started having health problems) staring at me in the face.

My initial impulse when he told me this was that I needed to cancel all my dates and playtimes from now until then so I could get the most amount of housework done in the time allotted.

However, as I understand Tantric principles, I need to follow my desires and wants.

Do I WANT to clean? Or am I worried about being ashamed at being judged for how I live?

What I do know now is that I've been feeling an awful lot of pressure emotionally that has been reflected in more heart troubles. Muuuuuu.

New name?

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 06:35:34 GMT

Your Easter Bunny Name is

Chocolate Fluffycakes

Get your Easter Bunny Name at Quizopolis.com

Tantric Experiments

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 01:24:13 GMT

Since late January 2008, I have been engaging in a Tantric experiment - I had applied tapas to my impulse to revitalize sexual contact with my former lover and the resulting spanda propelled me to join several "adult" Yahoo groups, update my Yahoo profile, and be "visible" when I am online.

A friend used the metaphor that I was casting a big net trying to find that special fish.

Most of the fish, I had to throw back.

I caught a couple of promising ones, though.

And I found out that although I thought I was starving when I had no fish, the fish I've caught made me realize I'm not THAT hungry.

Time to find another pond in to which I can cast my net.

I want more than what I have been offered so far.

Travels or Travails?

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 04:43:59 GMT

I must be more careful with my word choices.

For months now, I've been saying that all I wanted to do on this trip to Las Vegas was to sleep in the Pyramid of the Luxor Hotel.

And, that's about all I could do with the energy I had.

Airports are BIG - Lots of walking - walking hurts back, butt, hip, leg - have to stop lots of times before reaching the gate.

Hotels in Las Vegas (especially the Luxor) are BIG - lots more walking - once I reached our hotel room I didn't want to leave.

Became a big fan of room service and being wheeled about in wheelchairs.

It is good to be home and have my nice firm bed to hold me.

Challenges

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 06:01:45 GMT

Today has been an interesting day.

As posted in my last message, I was going to try and choose joy and passion no matter what the outside circumstances.

I am somewhat used to my back pain, and figured that it would be the challenge, but NO, the Universe decided to challenge me even farther by waking me up with a cramp in my... well, I'm not sure I exactly want to say where....

I don't know what caused it, I don't know what stopped it, but it certainly made me feel like the Universe is out to get me or at least slap me down for being so impertinent as to think I can be joyful no matter what....

Luckily I have good friends who made me realize that my response to this pain was normal and that to try and find joy may be as simple as NOT beating myself up for my responses. And to move from that moment to each new moment - not holding onto my past responses.

Choices

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 08:02:21 GMT

At Danielle's Group Energy Healing Session tonight, the focus was Passion.

And even though my chronic low back issues have become acute for this last month and I'm in pain almost all the time every day, I am engaging in the possibility of being connected to my passion and joy - regardless of outside circumstances.

But for now, a painkiller and bed await.

hmmm, the talkative part is true, but the rest?

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 07:20:19 GMT

Lets101 Quizzes - Fun Quiz

I know this one, do you?

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 01:53:27 GMT

Out, out, brief jlaughingwaters!

Which work of Shakespeare was the original quote from?

What I've been up to

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 07:15:30 GMT

My latest silence of the past week has not been due to depression or anxiety or agoraphobia or any other reason to withdraw.

Instead, I have been unusually busy. Here's the recap:

11/1 Last Thursday evening - plenty of cuddles at Cuddle Party
11/2 Friday afternoon - cardio wellness class
11/3 Saturday all day - BreakThrough Fear, Anxiety, and Stress Intensive - day 1
11/3 Saturday evening - nude swim
11/4 Sunday all day - BreakThrough Fear, Anxiety, and Stress Intensive - day 2
11/5 Monday midday - appointment with sleep doctor
11/5 Monday evening - received 2 hour massage
11/6 Tuesday morning - cardio wellness class
11/6 Tuesday evening - Shamanic Practitioners circle
11/7 Wednesday midday - Alchemical Healing 2 FINAL CLASS
11/7 Wednesday late afternoon - spend time with Cynthia
11/7 Wednesday evening - Sacred Circles - Major Aracana Tarot - The Magician
11/8 Thursday midday - lunch with Karen
11/8 Thursday afternoon - Hot House Spa
11/8 Thursday evening - Danielle Hoffman's Group Energy Healing Sessions

Tomorrow, I am having lunch with Mark, and then going to the Endless Knot Sale.

I am not sure what I'm doing tomorrow night, but I am busy Saturday and Sunday evenings.

WHEW!

Lots of changes for me too, but I'm too tired to write about them now. Maybe this weekend, I can try to post about all the growth I have been having.

A New Month - A New Quiz

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 06:13:44 GMT

I think the jigsaw puzzle of the states of the union that we played with as kids helped me know the answers to this quiz. Spelling them correctly and avoiding (and correcting) typos is what took most of the time.

3m 26s

Click here to try the quiz.

Finding answers

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 05:38:22 GMT

Yesterday I set the intention to be open to my guides, to listen to whatever information they wished to share about why I found my essay from 1993.

Then I went to my Alchemical Healing 2 class where we studied the use of Akasha and I again set the intention to know more.

Although I had a very active day, I decided to go to the Sacred Circles Practical Shamanism evening where the topic was "Enemies, Evil, and Negativity". Here's part of the blurb: "For many people on a shamanic/medicine path, these subjects are frequently difficult to face, as we often want everything in our world to be full of love, light, and kindness. However, we would each be putting our collective heads in the sand, and dangerously so, if we do not learn how to take care of ourselves and those we love when dark, dense, and sometimes malevolent energies come into our spheres of influence. Tuesday night, we will share some "talking" teaching time, but most of the evening will be spent working directly with the wounds and situations, both past and present, that are calling to be healed. We will also continue to call upon the spirit of bear and other allies as we do this work in a safe and supportive space."

I had checked in with my guides and they asked me to go and listen. Listen to the teachings, listen to the other people, listen to my guides while whatever happened happens.

And I learned that although I have had experience keeping my home and myself safe within it, that I don't routinely have any spiritual practices that protect me when traveling. And when I announce to the Universe that I am going on a solo "vision quest" trip, I am asking the Universe to test me. So, all my procrastinating about going and then never leaving town is just the part of me that knows I'm not safe keeping the rest of me safe.

Interesting when you open yourself up to shift an old pattern, no?

When will I face my fears and go to nature?

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:34:13 GMT

Yesterday, I was asked by a friend what had happened to my trip to the ocean that was planned for this month. I answered her email with one of my own attributing the change in plans to current anxiety about my health, age, and mortality. I have the excuses of A-Fib and needing to use a C-Pap machine.

This morning I came across the following paper that was written for a class called Ecology and Soul - 14 years ago - on the topic of Intimacy with Nature.

If you read all the way through, you'll find that I've been abandoning planned solo trips for a long time. What am I so afraid of?

And is it coincidence that I happened to find this paper on the floor of my cluttered bedroom this morning, peeking out from other papers (I certainly hadn't seen it yesterday)? Or serendipity? Or are my guides trying to get my attention?

When I was a child, I spent much of my time outdoors. Up the hill half a block was the woods at the top of the hill. It was a small woods with a path connecting my street to the street behind. The major feature of these woods was a five foot tall rock that I used to climb up on and think. I don't remember seeing any animals, except for maybe squirrels, and I wasn't very observant. I just wanted to be there and think. It was my quiet time.

My other major spot outdoors was the cemetery that was down the hill. I used to like to take walks through the cemetery, thinking, sometimes visiting the graves of long-dead ancestors. Once and a while I would go over to my grandfather's grave and talk to him. But the adventurous part was crossing the creek behind the cemetery and walking down the railroad tracks. I enjoyed following the meandering creek, warming my feet on the smooth wooden railroad ties.

If I was lucky, my mother would take us on the bus to the ocean beach located in the next town over from ours. I loved nothing better than playing in the waves, searching for rocks and shells and sunning on the sand. However, all these experiences were limited in time, returning home when I got tired. I had no interest in camping out and my family never roughed it out in wilderness. Neither of my parents were athletically inclined, so we stayed near the yard or went on vacation staying at motels throughout New England.

As a teenager, my fascination with the outdoors waned. It would be almost ten years before I spent time again outdoors. I became involved with a man who enjoyed camping outdoors. As is often the case with young women, I acted like I would like to go with him in an attempt to get closer to him. I was surprised I liked camping as much as I did. We camped on private property that the owner didn't mind anyone using as long as they left the land the way they found it. The property was on the shore of a lake in Maine and had no facilities. We would use the lake to bathe, swim, and wash our dishes in. We could park our car nearby and slept in a tent and spent a lot of time making love outdoors. My deep and intimate contact with outdoors was linked with the intimate nature of the relationship with the man with whom I shared outdoors.

When the relationship between myself and this man ended, so did my intimate contact with the outdoors. I have wanted again to have close relations with the land, but I am afraid to go alone. I have travelled extensively across this country, but I always have my truck with me to sleep in. I seem to insulate myself from direct contact. Even the exercises for this class showed my distancing and distracting behavior. For the exercise of place, I chose one from memory. At Nisqually Delta, I got stuck in the mud which preoccupied my thinking while I was there. At the wilderness quest, I returned after an hour of rain. And my final project, four days alone at the ocean, never happened. The one time I was out in nature, quiet and observing, I received powerful medicine.

I hope to someday complete the vision quest alone for four days at the beach. Maybe this summer I will gather my courage for it.

Attached are some journal notes and poetry trying to describe the four days of "solitaire".

Thursday, May 27, 1993 11 p.m.

I had expected to be on my to La Push by now, but I'm home in my bed, not ready to leave. I wanted to create an island of time for myself, so I'm starting this journal now -- at the beginning of my designated "time". I had planned this weekend knowing that my menstrual period was due today and thought how wonderful it would be to bleed on the ground -- one with nature. In a women's circle several years ago, one woman reported how powerful it was to bleed directly on the ground. I had asked you for a place that would provide me with privacy for just that reason. But my body betrayed me and me period started Tuesday instead -- zapping my energy. The first three days of my period I want to retreat from activity and sleep. I followed the needs of my body and so didn't finish four papers I was intending to complete -- nor did I take the time to prepare for my journey this weekend. So tomorrow I will wake up when I please and make the preparations I need to make before leaving and I'll get on the ferry when I can. I can't rush myself right now. Just doing the workshops I had scheduled for Wednesday and Thursday and attending my Thursday night class was too much activity for this time of the month. What am I going to do when I have to return to work? Ah, but that's a question for my Right Livelihood class, not this one. Rowland, I feel your attention on me and I appreciate your concern. I wish I was in Nature already, but I must admit I'm a little frightened too. In addition to menstruating this weekend, I planned on fasting -- not complete -- just no solid foods -- a cleansing fast -- but I have to see how it goes. I'm planning on listening to some tapes I have from the Earth & Spirit conference to stimulate my thinking. I'll write more tomorrow on the ferry. Wasn't the thunder and lightening spectacular tonight (Thurs.)? It reminded me of the thunderstorms "Back East"! Dramatic and spectacular!

EXPECTATIONS
Sitting on the beach watching the sunset
Waves lapping at the shore
First quarter moon rising
Wind brushes the hair from my face
Seagulls fighting over dinner
Solitude, silence and serenity

Letting the blood flow to the ground
Connecting to the most intimate nature
Realizing my vision of years ago
Receiving vision of my life's path
Fasting and praying and crying
Sleeping and dreaming the dream

SOLITAIRE
I wake up at 1:30 in the afternoon. I am exhausted. Where have I been all night? It seems to take a long time to come back to this room. Turn on the TV, play some solitaire.

I should be cleaning this apartment. I should be packing my clothes. Where will I sleep tonight? Should I take my tent? How about an air mattress? Keep the TV on, play some solitaire.

Hours have passed and I've done nothing! What will I take for my fast? Gallons of juice in glass bottles will be heavy and might break. Keep the TV on, play solitaire.

It's almost five o'clock in the afternoon. The last ferry is at 11:45. I go out to Fred Meyer and buy air mattresses. Come home exhausted. Turn on the TV, play solitaire.

Now that I've got the air mattress, I must go get my pump. It's in the storage shed on Capitol Hill. My brother calls and wants to know when he should come to feed the cat. Keep the TV on, play solitaire.

It's after 9 o'clock, I can't get the air pump tonight. I tell my brother I'll call him tomorrow and tell him when to feed the cat. I keep the TV on and play solitaire.

Solitaire takes me away from my worries. Game after game I play. I only feel twinges of guilt when I shuffle. My mind is absorbed in the game. I tell myself I'll get up after this hand. Then I must wait until I win without cheating. I try another variation, then I must win that one too. Hours go by putting off the inevitable. I go to sleep and turn out the light.

The next day I awake with renewed determination. It'll be a good trip. But I'm faint from fasting, maybe one game of solitaire will clear my head. I turn on the TV, play solitaire.

Hours pass by like water running through my hands. I still need to go to Seattle, but Star Trek will be on soon and I don't want to miss it. Change the channel of the TV, play solitaire.

My back is hurting from sitting cross-legged on the floor, I lay down on the couch for three hours of Star Trek. When it's over I get dressed and go to Seattle. I turn off the TV, and put the cards away.

It takes me forever to find my air pump, didn't I stash it in my cooler? I finally find it under the curio cabinet. Take the air pump, cooler and tent. I get home determined to blow up the air mattresses. I do, then exhausted, go inside, turn on the TV and play solitaire.

It's now 10:30 at night. I can still make the last ferry, but where will I sleep tonight? The road to Neah Bay is sharp and winding, I'm tired, will I get there alright? It's started raining again. Just watch TV, and play solitaire.

My brother calls again, "Are you leaving tonight?" I tell him to come on Monday. I'll leave tomorrow morning, two days are better than none. I turn off the TV, and shut off the light.

Sunday's no different from Friday. I can't seem to get myself to move. I don't know how to camp by myself! What will I do for fire, shelter, food? I just can't do this trip. Turn on the TV, play solitaire.

I spend two more days avoiding my feelings. I call my brother and tell him not to come. When he hears that I have been fasting, he asks, "Aren't you trying to do too much at once?" I think maybe he's right. I play some more solitaire and give up the fight.

For four days I anguished over this trip. Sometimes I thought I should at least work on the papers I have to do. But all I do is watch TV, sleep, and play endless games of solitaire.

The first glitch

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 22:44:03 GMT

I brought my sandals to the shoe repair place last Saturday when Eric and I did all that running around.

I didn't check to see when the place was open for me to pick them up, UNTIL after they were closed today.... and they don't reopen until 9 a.m. Tuesday...

I *was* planning on leaving at 7 a.m. on Tuesday....

Muuuuu....

Only a few days left until I see the ocean!

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 22:40:56 GMT

I am keeping the desire to leave town and visit the ocean firmly planted in my mind. I have the time carved out of my schedule - Tuesday, October 9th to Friday, October 12th.

It just remains to be seen if I can actually pack and get myself on the road. Or will I be overwhelmed with anxiety about this trip - the first I've taken on my own since 2002.